a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
