I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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