Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
