I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
