I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
