fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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