I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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