Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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