The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
