hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh god it's open bar.
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