Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
