Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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