so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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