I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The air was thick with penises
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
