Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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