Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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