My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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