a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
from now on my penis is your penis
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's blow job season.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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