my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
