Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
