3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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