The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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