When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
