i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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