When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
