I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
