dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
