last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
