What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The best revenge is premature balding
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
