I just saw a hot homeless man
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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