im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
