I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
