I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
