Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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