did you get engaged???
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
