shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
