Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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