Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
