i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
