There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
