1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
