I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
