so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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