if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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