I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
