Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I want her autograph on my taint
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
