how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
