i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize