He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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