Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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