i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
