I met the friendliest cop last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
