and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
