well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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