im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
