What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
