I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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