you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
