we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
