my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
