Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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