You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
