Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
