I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
