The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You ate ashes out of my bong
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize