So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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