Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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